Always Say “I Love You”

I had another blog all ready to go today, but I woke up early this morning knowing that I needed to write something new.  In the last three days, while we celebrated life with our families, friends have lost people they love, to death and/or are in the process of losing someone.  Most of us have gone through it: the waiting, the feelings of no control, the penetrating grief that envelops you.  You want the people you love to feel free of their pain, but what you really want is them….always, you still want them for just one more minute.

In the last three years, I have had a sister and a good friend both say to me, “I don’t understand why this is happening.”  I have thought about it a lot.  I like to have the answers, love to research questions, talk to other people, think…..all because I like answers.  I don’t have the answers for my friend and I didn’t for my sister.  I’m sorry. We question our faith, karma, the universe; it’s hard to believe that our losses are random, chances or decisions we made, that we weren’t even aware of the consequences of..  It doesn’t feel fair and it’s not.

Unfortunately, what is fair, or at least equal, is that we will all experience it.  We will all have some loss that we struggle with, albeit there can be lots of discussion about levels of loss, but at the time, our loss, is the greatest loss…  Can we define how many pieces a heart can be broken into?  I remember all of my children’s first loves, the breakups and the heartaches.  I remember thinking, “This is nothing, it get’s worse, you will get over it.”  At some point though, I realized that to them, their first loss was as earth shattering as any of mine, because it was their first.  They didn’t know they would get over it; they didn’t know there would be someone else who they would love, who would deserve them.  Loss can’t be measured  as one person’s against another.  A broken heart is broken.

I have learned, and I’m sure age has something to do with it, that life is short.  There isn’t one unexplained loss, there are many.  I can’t control them: I want to, but I can’t.  Many years ago, I decided that saying I love you is a good thing.  I never wanted to walk away from a conversation with my children, without those words.  I never wanted the regret of something happening to them  and my feeling that they didn’t know.  As I get older and question my own longevity, I’m more diligent.  I don’t want anything to happen to me and have them ever question whether we were ok, or that they always had my support.  Many arguments, with the kids, have ended with me saying, “Ok, well I love you.”  “Remember, even when I’m mad, I love you.”  “Don’t forget, I love you.”

Those conversations have extended to friends.  It’s so easy to take people for granted; then they are gone, or we are gone, and the chance is gone.  I don’t take my friends for granted anymore.  I know how quickly life can separate you from each other, through distance, misunderstandings, and death.  I’ve been trying to: be more compassionate, take more time to tell people that I appreciate them, forgive those I can, and always remember to say, “I love you.”

Peace….

 

Blessings of friendship…

When you get to a certain age, if your are lucky, you have had many friends and learned many things about being a friend and what you expect from friendship.  You have watched friends walk into your life and watched them walk out.  You understand that as our lives change, our needs change, and our expectations of all relationships may change, including friendships.

When I was writing about depression, I touched on friendship and it got my mind to whirling, remembering some of the stand out times.  When I went through my second divorce, I felt uneasy in my home for a while.  One friend offered me a safe haven if I ever needed it, in the middle of the night; another couple offered me their lake cabin, which I took advantage of.  None of these folks had ever needed a similar safety net, that I’m aware of, but they offered up their homes willingly to me.  I’m very grateful to both of them.  They trusted me and believed me, two incredibly powerful facets of friendship.  I have a friend in Denver, that if I showed up on her doorstep, would invite me in, offer me a room and make some of the best hot chocolate/brandy drinks that not only warm the stomach, but do something nice to the soul.  A girl friend came to my divorce proceedings so I wouldn’t have to be alone, and I have a couple more who are great listeners, but aren’t afraid to challenge me as well.

I have lost friends, who in hindsight weren’t friends, I fit a purpose for them at the time and maybe it is true that they fit my purpose as well.  I still feel a sense of loss from their leaving, whether it’s from the loss  of time spent, or sadness that we can believe so strongly, at the time, that something was so good, only to see later that it wasn’t.  Divorces are similar.

It’s hard to find any one who will love you for who you are, but first it’s important for you to know who you are..  That can take a long time, so it’s only natural that friendships change until then, but if you are lucky to pick up a few really good ones, who love you through your changes, who accept you through those changes, then hang on to them tight.  They are the angels who will lift you to your feet..

To my wonderful friends; I hope you always fly!

Peace…