“I looked down, at the blue green of the water, the dolphins sleek backs popping out of the water, so quickly disappearing in the wake of the boat. The sun is shining, but I don’t feel it; I feel cold and lost. If I slipped off the back of the boat, would the dolphins be my friends? and what would that mean? Would they bounce me back to the top, or stay by my side as I drifted to the bottom.”
The second time, and hopefully last time, darkness was all encompassing… oh Luanna, why would you write about this? Because I’m similar to you..you survivors of loss, of abuse, of all encompassing disease. Our survival is different, our situations may be different, but we are surviving non-the-less. We are members of the same club. 🙂 If you haven’t dealt with depression, haven’t had it pop up on you and try to steal your soul, then you truly are blessed; embrace your blessing!
My mom had died, I was put in the position of taking care of my abuser, we had some issues on our property, my only nephew was killed and there were additional family issues…you know, nothing that couldn’t be handled one at a time, two at a time…but all of them together just became too much.. I felt like I needed to be the glue but just couldn’t hold it together anymore. How did I find the courage… I told my children, I told my husband, I insinuated it to a few friends, and then I flipped the switch.. Flipping the switch is my tongue in cheek way of saying I made a decision… I don’t take that for granted.. I know decision is different for everyone and I won’t judge people who can’t or don’t.
What is my purpose? I wasn’t a perfect parent, but my children turned out wonderful, they are everything I wanted them to be, caring, hard working, good friends and independent thinkers. While I love them beyond belief, they alone cannot be my sole purpose; it wouldn’t be fair to them, they need to have their own lives and find their own purpose. I can guide but they cannot be my sole purpose. The grandchildren would be next in line and I have to tell you that they are even more perfect than their parents! They are part of my purpose, but I can’t and won’t try to take any of their parent’s authority away…. My husband, whom I adore 99.9% of the time, is part of my purpose, but can’t be all… Friends, society, etc.. Where am I going with all of this? I have discovered that I have many purposes, when one fails, there are others to focus on; we add them, change them, and discard them when needed. This is survival…
I’m sure the dolphins would have taken the woman in my story, into an embrace, and carried her to the top. They would have known she was a survivor.